A Ship to cross the Sea of Suffering

"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda

So much growth, induced through change

So yes, I have been having terrible problems with the laptop I’ve been using lately.

I’ve always had such bad technological karma. I am hoping that once Mercury in Retrograde passes, I will have the courage and wisdom to make the right choice by investing in a new computer system.

It’s been too long now – and computers actually contribute to my happiness.

Seriously.

Although I wish to be free to material wants and needs, Computers are great tools of change.

They enable us to communicate, play and research! Amongst many other things.

—-

Aside from technological woes things have been pretty good. As good as things get in this time of triumph and tribulation.

Many seeds have been planted for future investments and connections, and the carpet has been swept of the old and dusty crap that plagues my temple.

I still yearn for so much more, but the patience and understanding in me is growing rapidly.

I guess what I am yearning for most at the moment, is growth and success in my personal relationship.

I am chanting in front of Gohonzon everyday and every night now, chanting for this ” I WILL change” I will make a change, it must come from me. I don’t really mind how it all pans out, I just need to be secure in myself… and realise that all great change comes from within… and my ability to deal with it in a way that suits all parties comes from chanting to change my life state into one of Buddhahood as often as possible.

I have been trying SO hard not to think about things I want to talk about with Her… but they just keep eating away at me. I am giving space, I am trying to be less intense and more fun!

I am trying my best to divert my attention to other areas of my life….I’ve always been the driving force behind our relationships improvements… I’ve never really settled for less. I am NOT a huge fan of stagnant energy or holding onto things that need clearing. But I guess because my personal relationship is such a huge pillar and of great importance to me it’s hard just to put the things we need to work on aside.

But I have.

That’s what i’ve been asked to do…. Give more space (even though we don’t really spend any quality time together) , be less intense? And stop talking/directing too much thought to our relationship petal???

And in my rational mind I do feel that – this request is a little unfair.

But because I love her. I have promised to focus less energy and mind time to thinking about US….

Instead, I just think about me. Which for any of you who know me – is actually quite hard! I may be one of the least selfish people on this planet… perhaps this is the true value in this challenge. Actually learning to put myself first… and discover what I want to do with my life, and what type of relationship I actually want. What are my expectations of the person I want to share my life with….

It’s hard to explain without going into detail of what’s been happening. I try not to blast my thoughts and feelings down unless they are absolutely true in my heart. I just wonder if it’s too much to ask… for someone who is willing to work through it, instead of push it aside and get angry at me for spending time to work it out..?

All I can do right now is respect that she has asked me to not talk about our relationship… because she is overwhelmed and busy at work. But in my nagging and innate darkness  it asks me –  I wonder when she will ever, not be working and overwhelmed?

Hmmmm it’s a tough one.

In return…I have asked for this:

To not have my sexual abuse issues thrown around in my face willy nilly. And to not feel ‘lucky’ to have not been cheated on.

Oh god. This all sounds so terrible.

 

We are human, trying to make it through.

 

We are now two weeks free from medication and coping devices! I am so proud!

And things are becoming clearer.

My strength is returning, and my rational mind is sitting there fully aware of all that is happening in and around me.

 

So I will just keep being patient.

I will keep chanting to change myself for the better…

 

I will wait until she is ready to invite me in, to these conversations…

 

Wow sounds so simple.  I will hold my tongue… I just hope that I don’t push her out completely from these seemingly unreasonable requests.

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This entry was posted on July 11, 2013 by in Buddhist, Love, Relationship and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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