"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda
It has been since last December that I gave time to this blog. I have been uninspired, and have had too much on my plate to even think about writing.
Someone said to me not long ago that writers only write when they’re not living. That statement has really stuck with me since then, and it is times like now I feel that it is in many ways, quite true. Although I am not so sure that I would describe my writing periods as ‘not living’. I see them more as periods of intense reflection, a recollection of events I’m now objectively further away from in order to capture the essence of what I want to say. Sometimes I heatedly write a poem, or string words together because it is the only way I know how to process… especially when I am in overwhelm. Most other days I just dream of writing… and then it disappears.
My life has been very complex lately. The last six months have been some of the biggest upheavals and periods of change I think I’ve ever experienced. My mind automatically assesses the good and positive parts of all the change, possibly due to my practice of Nichiren Buddhism. An ingrained part of me that tries to always see the value and positive of any situation regardless of the depth of suffering. Nichiren Daishonin writes “Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life and continue chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, no matter what happens.”
Sure enough, there are heaps of positive outcomes from my separation, from the starting of a new job, undergoing surgery… and most recently taking up a Bachelor of Arts degree at our city University. Simultaneously there are negative thoughts there too. In our practice we talk about the importance of never begrudging our lives, and in theory and application I am pretty darn good at seeing the upside and learning in all that occurs. But I am human. Undoubtedly, and with some level of shame/embarrassment I guess things have felt a little on top of me. I know that is just distorted thinking. But I do feel silly, embarrassed, all of those things! But I also realise all of what I feel is completely normal for my situation. My emotional self is processing everything. I have settled into my new home, I am learning the consequences of no longer being in a relationship with someone I loved so dearly and It just feels sore.
I’ve really taught myself how to still smile in the face of adversity. Some days it is hard, but deep inside I am so rational. I understand the nature of things and why they happen, I guess sometimes emotion just isn’t that controllable. Nor should it be of course. I am at ONE with my emotions. Quite literally. No longer surrounded by my peers in a living situation I guess I’ve been finding things just a little lonely. Adjusting to my new life, will take time. And only time will heal the wounds I’ve been holding onto…
I’m sure that I will get used to it. My only wish at this stage is that the anger and frustration towards her would go away. She is a wonderful person, and has contributed so greatly to my life that I will forever be in her debt with gratitude of what we’ve shared, learnt and grown from together. Of what we will hopefully continue to share but in a different form. My mind is struggling with the idea of seeing her. Because every-time I see her I am reminded of her beauty, and of what I have lost on some levels. Those sinking feelings in my stomach and heart I wish never to feel again… of which I wish no one ever has to experience. Ever.
I went to counseling yesterday and spent almost the whole hour crying. Prior to the appointment I was trying desperately to hold myself together during the commute via bus from town. Prior to the bus I was held up in a toilet stall just sobbing and taking time out to feel all that I was experiencing. She is my trigger now. A contrast between happiness and sorrow. Something I am not sure I’ve figured out how to navigate. I don’t want to ‘not’ spend time with her, she has been my everything for six years. How can I pursue a friendship with someone I would have hoped to have more from? I’ve let her go out of respect. So now that’s what I have to do…. let her go. And somehow still maintain our soul connection….I don’t think it will ever go away. Unless I taint it with the anger.
During the counseling I shared the realisation that it is only now, that I am settled in my new home and new routines that I have space to process what has actually happened. Prior to now, I had just been ‘surviving’. A theme I’m very familiar with. But now that I have survived the walls of my house are on fire with the hurt. The house being my soul. I feel disappointed, I feel a sense of unfairness in the situation, and an underlying feeling of abandonment that carries through from my childhood. She was my security, and my rock but it is time to stand on my own. Being aware of these connections and reoccurring themes in my life will help me to work through them at a deeper level. I have an opportunity I suppose to transform my karma yet again. Another chance to create value from all of this, even though right now I am just sitting with grief.
Chanting will help to keep me strong. Participating in activities in the community and keeping my leadership responsibilities on top will further strengthen my foundation. Everyone has been so supportive, but I am hard on myself. I have such a high level of self achievement to attain. It keeps me running in the right direction. This motivation and self determination to not be defeated is what keeps me out of bed and breaking down when things get tough. I’ve had enough life training to know that, keeping on, keeping on is the right thing to do. Mixed with intense reflection, periods of recollection….of course. ;-P
With all of these realisations and connections between my current situation and themes from my past and to adjusting to single life I am learning that I have to be independent. Most importantly, that I CAN be independent and that things aren’t going to blow up. That I WILL survive. I will not create catastrophes in my own mind because of what has happened to me in the past, if anything like I mentioned before, I’ve had enough training to know that change really is the only constant and that I have to further build my inner strength to take on whatever life throws at me. Life is like training for a marathon. The preparation and training never ends, and when you cross the finish line you want to get there with a sense of satisfaction. A knowing, that you truly did your best and have no regrets. Maybe only hopes that if there is a next time, that you would strive to do even better! I am building and training myself to strive for a full and worthy life. A life that when comes to an end, I’ll be proud of. A Life that I can reflect on in those final moments and feel absolute joy and enlightenment because I gave this lifetime my all…. I created value and contributed to mine, and other peoples happiness. If I am lucky – the worlds happiness.
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Psychologist, Online CBT Therapist, Author