A Ship to cross the Sea of Suffering

"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda

It’s been a while

So yes it’s been a while. And just so you know, I’ve been looking at the laptop for a week now; wondering what to write. Hoping any one clear thought would come streaming forth in pearls of wisdom for you. But it hasn’t quite occurred that way.

I salute the fellow bloggers who can be so incredibly articulate and continual in your posting. I envy you. Well not really – you have a gift with articulation and I am swarmed with a connect the dot system that appears faulty.

As a writer one of the main issues I encounter is; sitting to capture just one thought that is clear. I cannot focus on ten all at once, I don’t think anyone can? This may be the link to why I enjoy being a poet instead of a writer. The pressure to make sense just debilitates me.

Writing is a discipline. Just as being a Buddhist is a practice. It requires determination, focus and persistence to get the results that you want. Or are hoping to achieve.

Thoughts come, thoughts go. And then there are some that I can just run with. Some that keep popping up, but slipping away because I cannot grasp them quite yet, in the form of words.

I sat down to write about the buddhist study I am doing next week, but in the midst of getting clear on what I wanted to share about the study – I am distracted by what’s happening in my home environment. It’s normal. In fact the the challenge in my relationship could be testing my understanding of the Gosho. The Actions of the Votary of the Lotus Sutra part 2. It looks at the actions, attitudes and life state of Nichiren Daishonin as the perfect role model for Buddhahood. And here I am reflecting on my own attitude and actions towards an obstacle that keeps irking me.

I had a bit of tension between my partner and I this morning. It’s been building for a while now. So when you start the morning off a bit rocky it can be hard to recover your balance. I wrote things down. Reflected on my behaviour, bearing in mind that as a practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism I am aiming to build an unshakable state of life, undaunted by obstacles… especially pitiful ones that could be left on the shelf.

But I am human. Just an ordinary being; so feelings plague me just as much as the next person. I feel things because of events and experiences in my home environment. But acting on my frustration with ill timed comments has it’s toll to pay.

I have to constantly ask myself how to transform this situation. It’s uncomfortable… But then again, doesn’t tension and discomfort have its own value too?  I want to feel different, I want to be undaunted by the state of our relationship connection. But I am bothered.

Should I be? Or is it my innate darkness creating problems that don’t really exist?

Sure – This person’s actions and behaviour affects me emotionally. But I am a sensitive person. Sometimes too sensitive. I realised this morning that I hate speaking out my frustrations because In the end it always negatively impacts the person I’m expressing to. It hurts them, just as much as the actions they took have created the need for me to express my dislike. Feelings are valid… but are the words that follow really necessary?

She is working a lot at the moment. So much so that, we don’t really talk. There is no space in her mind, head, heart or whatever to actually connect to me. The work takes up priority. It always has. I can be happily talking away, only to be greeted with vacancy and silence at the other end.

It’s hard not to be upset with that. Where is my friend? Where is the depth?

But the work is so important. It’s revolutionary. It’s totally reshaping people’s experience of theatre and the issues theatre can tackle or present. But is the work worth ignoring those who care for you most?

Sacrificing a depth and connection for hours of effort towards someone else’s goals…Here I enter the cycle of undermining the value of her work.

This is momentary. It will not last forever. These feelings, thoughts and reflections help me to understand where I stand; that is what is most important I guess.

I value her SO much. She is honestly the best thing that’s happened to me. I’ve supported her career and transformational journey as much as she’s supported me. But I find myself at this place of unhappiness..  Chanting to Gohonzon this morning asking, and determining to find a solution or some peace of mind in this tension.

My confusion lies in knowing whether expressing myself and how I feel is actually of benefit to either of us? If my frustration and hurt over lack of depth and connection affects how I look, view and treat this person then how can I be in a relationship when I am fully aware of hurting each other. I say something and hurt them, don’t say something and only build up my own resentment.

When you love somebody so much, and have buddhist values so deeply instilled into you you have a deeper compassion than ever thought possible. I truly feel for her. Trapped between passion, work and a relationship that wants more…

I don’t want to have anger, I don’t want to feel ignored. I want harmony and peace, love and light and laughter! It’s a double edged sword. You care so much for a person, that you don’t say how you truly feel because it’ll hurt them. And hurting that person isn’t worth exchanging those words. I’d rather walk away instead of creating pain in her heart.

But by walking away I don’t prove anything. I lose. We lose. Everybody loses….

So does it come down to having the wisdom and courage to choose your battles wisely? To have courage to say how you feel even though there is the possibility of hurting and stressing this person more – therefore detracting from their work and negatively impacting their own mental health and emotional stability.

Ah the guilt would sink in.

So I speak, and regret instantly. Apologise for sharped tongue…

Still feeling that my side of the story is unheard and unaddressed….

The human mind ties itself in knots.

Forgiveness echoes in a distant faraway, and I am without my compass.

It’s tiny. But amongst a bigger pool of things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 comments on “It’s been a while

  1. tinemagpayo
    May 26, 2013

    “Thoughts come, thoughts go. And then there are some that I can just run with. Some that keep popping up, but slipping away because I cannot grasp them quite yet, in the form of words.” BEAUTIFUL ♥

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