Speechless in many ways…

Wow I just feel so numb and a little defeated.  You know? Those days and moments in your life where everything just is…. and you aren’t.  You are hollow and full at the same time sitting with every conflicting emotion you could think humanly possible. That’s me at the moment. My eyes are sore, my chest hurts… and I am confused over what I want to do from moment to moment. I know what is the right thing to do, but being human I keep falling back into the pits of endless suffering. A karmic tendency that I’ve always struggled to put at bay.

I feel embarrassed, and ashamed to be feeling so low. I feel guilty for not having anything inspiring or positive to write.  I feel I feel I feel everything that is horrible in the world, and laugh in the face of all that is good. There is only a heart here that feels broken, and breaking even more as each day passes. As the reality sets in over losing her. Of losing the foundation of my life.  I am rejecting my own happiness in order to find a way to cope with this mess. Coping isn’t really living is it?

The opportunities ahead of me taunt me like the piece of cake I cannot eat. I am slow and asleep behind the wheel of the vehicle that is my life. At this very moment I lack courage and strength to keep fighting – But It won’t last. I’m strong.

Tomorrow is another day. And then again, another after that… and change keeps on coming but I am so fragile. I am in the lowest low I’ve been in for years… but with no way out, other than to put these thoughts and feelings aside. I’ve never been one to deal with grief very well. But is anybody ever really equipped to deal with that letting go? I think letting go when that person is still there…. and still in your eyesight but completely out of reach is the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced.

Birth, Death, Growing old and sickness… The four hardest sufferings in life.  Why is love not one of these? Love is a double edged sword. The knife in the back, and the uplifting winds of our very lives, the ability to create and to destroy.

Damn you love. Why do you have to break my heart?

What else have you got for me out there?

I am Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and still hurting.  How is that possible?