A Ship to cross the Sea of Suffering

"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda

The Rainbow of human emotion…

“There may be times, certainly, when being a member of an organization seems bothersome and we just want to be alone. But how sad it is if we are left alone without any support and then lose our faith. True growth comes from striving together with our fellow members in the living realm of human beings, experiencing the rich gamut of human emotions.”

Daisaku Ikeda

I found myself on the SGI website today just seeking some kind of guidance. The quote that I’ve shared is todays daily guidance. It’s an interesting one, and not something I’ve been pondering much as I am IN LOVE with spending time with my SGI family. Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism has and is STILL helping me to transform my entire life. Even though at times I feel much anxiety or stress to fulfill my responsibilities, alas these feelings are so little in comparison to the feelings of fulfillment, hope, passion, excitement, joy and happiness in belonging to something that speaks to my heart; my humanity.

I read this guidance and really thought of, how I really need to feel more strength in asking for help. Or in asking for guidance over the things I’ve been feeling SO alone in lately.

We go through the motions of our weekly meetings, and checking in but I really don’t feel that I am truly sharing what it is that I am going through on a deeply personal level.  And perhaps that is because as a society we are all not used to sharing with more than just a few people the deeper mechanisms that plague and simultaneously uplift us. Maybe there is such a stigma over what you are supposed to/are allowed to share? I know that within the SGI that this is not true, It is a very supportive and open minded space for personal human revolution! Yet my mind limits me from really getting the guidance and support I need. I limit myself! I guess we all do in one way or another.

I have such a problem with being sincerely honest to myself. And as open as I am with others about my thoughts, as the days pass I have been feeling my lips tighten. A resistance from within to really share what is going on. What is it that I have been thinking about…? I must be on the verge of a breakthrough. *fingers crossed*

I don’t really know why, but I have a sense of guilt when I share what seems so heavy to me, with others who are close. Maybe it’s because I feel that my obstacles are too hard to bear. Sometimes even too hard to talk about. But this perpetual habit of holding it in, has seen me find some pretty deep and dark places within my inner world. One thing is for sure. I don’t want to reside there. I want to be in the sunshine laughing and smiling with everyone else and feeling that genuine sense of self! But at the moment with honesty. I am just not there. I still don’t really know who I am and what it is that I want to do with my life. And I am 25….Welcome to my black-hole of an existence. An inner self lined with gold that even I cannot enjoy!

I feel that there are so many aspects of my life people don’t know. And maybe that is because I don’t actually let people in. But how can I? when those things feel so heavy to me.  When I want to uplift people, not bring them down!  I consider the things that have happened in my life to be of such a negative tune so the stories I tell myself and others really are of hardship. Success is there but maybe I need to learn to value that more…

I have been doing amazing with my chanting. And i have been trying so earnestly to keep it sincere and focussed. Although my mind wanders from time to time, I have just hit day 60 in the 100 day ichinen and sanzen challenge so I feel a sense of pride in my determination to keep going. I need to return to the study aspects of the Ichinen Sanzen challenge though to really assess how it is applying in my life. How can I create transformation in my inner and outer environment that provides happiness and harmony? How can I ultimately change my internal perspective of life and the world around me?

I feel such a sadness in my heart. I sometimes feel so overburdened in life. There are life experiences that have contributed to this feeling, but really I have a good life. I am a good person, but some times I feel absolutely hopeless in the face of my anxiety towards the life that I lead.  I don’t know what is around the corner in my life at the moment. There are many aspects of change on the horizon, and although I should be forging ahead with joy and thankfulness that these challenges are there! I just feel Sad. I feel depressed and sometimes can’t get out. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that the happiness and contentment I feel from time to time is actually just fake. It’s me just bearing a brave face… it’s not actually real.

I need to chant more Daimoku in order to raise my life state so that I don’t worry about things that are unchangeable and out of my control. Chant to unleash a state of life that isn’t scared, fearful or apprehensive to the changes ahead. I’ve been chanting to have confidence and self belief! And it’s helping me get through the day to day challenges, but that deeper sense of something missing is just eating away at me from the inside. I can function and do things… but my internal world and self screams wanting to hide and melt away. Sometimes I ponder my thankfulness for life itself…

I shouldn’t shrink away because I wish for a more stable and easier life. This thinking is leading me further down the rabbit hole. I know that I need to establish a victorious attitude to the challenges I face physically and mentally. Is feeling sadness and depression weakness?

I don’t know. It shouldn’t be! vulnerability is strength in many more ways… but it doesn’t change the soreness of how it feels right?

Here is tomorrows daily guidance. Some words of wisdom to keep in my pocket as I ponder how to escape these feelings of late.

October 10

“It doesn’t matter in what area, just keep working on your personal revolution to transform and improve yourself in the way most natural for you. The important thing is that you change in some positive way. There is surely no more exhilarating a life than one in which we write our own unique history of human revolution each day. And the growth and transformation we achieve in this way can convince people of the greatness of Nichiren Buddhism more eloquently than anything else.”

Daisaku Ikeda, SGI President

Here’s to more personal revolution! I want to win in this life! I really do! I think sometimes It is just too easy to lose the know how! Chant, chant and chant some more…


One comment on “The Rainbow of human emotion…

  1. One-in-Mind
    October 9, 2013

    “When you encounter a wall, you should tell yourself, “Since there is a wall here, a wide, open expanse must lie on the other side.” Rather than becoming discouraged, know that encountering a wall is proof of the progress that you have made so far. I hope that you will continually advance in your Buddhist practice with this conviction blazing ever more strongly in your heart.”
    Daisaku Ikeda, SGI President

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