Self Sabotage Day

Ok so maybe there isn’t a coined Self Sabotage Day, but today is draining me like no tomorrow and there is absolute potential for avoidance and begrudging behavior. Instead I’ve opted for words and expression. Thoughtfulness and reflection. The fluctuations in life are incredible aren’t they?

I could safely say it’s actually all about perspective? But what happens when you cannot shake a perspective? what happens when it becomes clear that your entire life experiences have shaped everything you see and there is no other way around it for the moment?

External factors, internal factors all contribute to our individual perspective at any one given moment. There are so many things eating away at me at the moment, and I have been trying to stay on the top side of positive but admittedly feel myself slipping a little.  I try hard to leave things in the past, but why do they keep crawling back uninvited?

From New Horizons, to doomsday impending. New horizons are still sitting there in all their hope and glory! Doomsday is lurking as if to remind me that actually, all of these new horizons mean so much more to do. More to feel, more to fight for… more to keep working on. As if I weren’t tired enough already. But then again that thought process is all about negative perspective! A begrudging attitude to life itself and all that it encompasses.

Maybe I am just having a bad day? I am certainly shifting through some tough and incredibly deep human revolution today. Either way I won’t hide how exhausting things are at the moment.

I am awake, and at times avoiding the inevitable by hiding behind the computer screen. Putting off that conversation, resisting the start to my new exercise or eating regime. Denying myself of the action it will take in order to get on top of these feelings and self expectations.

It all sounds so horrible, but it isn’t. I take challenges and problems in my stride these days but it still doesn’t make them any lesser in how they affect my daily operation. some days feel much bigger than others…

I am not hopeless, and I do realize that I have a choice in transforming these thoughts and feelings. But is it wrong to want to sit in them a while longer? Is it OK to admit that you are too tired to fight for more than just getting through today? I sometimes want to collapse into a heap, but the fear of those feelings keep me afloat. The depth of that darkness suffocates. And I will not tolerate it as long as I have Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

Last night I set my alarm and reveled in the fact that I had nine hours to find restful sleep and rejuvenate for the start of my working week. Unfortunately I spent a lot of that time in terrifying dreams. A movie of characters from my past, and disturbing experiences that woke me in a fright. Crying for half an hour trying to get back to sleep… but the feelings, images and confusion that followed this dream kept my eyes peeled. Plus the cat decided I was awake enough to demand affection from me. I’ll have it be known that I was in no mood for fur and expectation. And after 6 efforts to keep him away from me, I had to put him outside instead. I have no heart…

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, and I really try not to let the visual and emotional effects of dreams filter through to my day but it can be so hard to shake them sometimes. Today is one of those days. To add to the pile PMS is looming, so I must be easy on myself in knowing that I’m ultra sensitive as it is..

Last nights dreams were so bizarre though. I dreamt of my childhood abuser (my stepfather) as my flat mate. He had gone completely psycho and both myself and my partner were terrified of what he would do if he found out, that we knew what he had done.

We were in our house, that we live in currently. And to our horror we had discovered that he had murdered a bunch of people and was keeping them in our roof. I remember the smell starting, my fear of blood coming through the ceiling. But what was most bizarre about this, was that some of these bodies didn’t seem human. Their skin was black and tar like… at one point we were inspecting flesh… and I just felt so sick to my stomach with fear, with the possibility of him finding out we knew and that perhaps he would murder us too. I didn’t want to die…

Now first of all; Why the hell am I dreaming of my abuser in this way? Maybe I am processing how he has killed a part of my soul that I will never regain. He has tainted me in a way that I will never forget….

Later on down the track from this dream, I remember feeling scared because he was building a room under the house and I felt terrified when I thought of him filling that room with more dead bodies. (I grew up in a basement section to the childhood house where a large part of my abuse occurred, maybe the fear of this was a reflection of that time in my life?) All the while… I was trying to find someone who could help us catch him, a professional that could help us to put him in a secure psycho ward. I remember not wanting to call the police because they wouldn’t help rehabilitate him. (I never called the police on his ass, because I was convinced otherwise…I sent him to counseling instead)

Now seriously, all of this is truly an echo of the sexual and childhood abuse I have suffered at the hands of this man.

It must be; But in some weird dream way. My suppression is still coming out, and then it sits with me for the day.  it’s gross. I feel so heavy and sad… but there is still a lot of fight in me.

There are still many things I can do to get on top of all, of this. It will just take time.

I guess I have to remember that none of what happened to me is my fault, and in no means should I be thinking about ways to self sabotage. Ways to end the pain that don’t involve FIGHTING to live everyday without regrets…

I Just need to find ways to cope, and ways to live with a childhood that I am not happy with. Sometimes the chanting doesn’t feel like enough. But I already know the response to that! – JUST CHANT MORE.

I can’t say that any of my childhood gives me warm fluffies, Although momentary happiness the tainted experiences have ruined all that I could salvage from such a sad upbringing. I was brought up in a fairly well off family, and never missed a meal. But so many aspects I wish I could be rid of…Perhaps I shouldn’t be so ungrateful? I don’t know…

I live with so much anxiety, such a twisted perspective of my life and where i’ve come from. Digging deep to find value in it all, so that I can make a difference in the world. So that I can live a happy life from here on in… Even though there are days like today.