A Ship to cross the Sea of Suffering

"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda

A bit down today

So I try to avoid days like today. Where everything just is too big to deal with. It’s not though, nothing is ever too big to deal with – as I try to be a firm believer in the idea that the universe will not dish you anything you cannot truly handle. It’s our choices that deal with the latter… not handling.

There are many reasons for my dash of blue today. After such a supercharged weekend and super moon it’s no wonder that all good things, and heightened energy must come down. It is not tangible to continue sustaining such highs….

I have recovered from my birthday shenanigans. And what a night that was … 14 hours of party and fun. Undoubtedly better than my 21st, so that is saying something.

25 years old and only just beginning. Again. Plenty to celebrate! Lots to reflect on…

I have lost count of the times in my life, where I have started fresh. Started anew. Turned a new page in the many novels that are my life, and journey on this planet – in this shell.

I’m a bit broken. I had a quite severe panic attack last night…  of which I won’t say why it occurred. Everything is fine. It’s actually just me. I couldn’t be in that space anymore… I felt claustrophobic. I had to get out.. my chest felt like it was going to explode. My heart feeling like it was running a marathon.. and god knows I don’t do marathons.. or mountains. Yet.

I couldn’t stop shaking in my core, my whole entire body was convulsing in shock… confusion… a feeling and experience I’ve never mourned. It’s been a good 4 years since my last hugely intense breakdown like this. Last November was close… but this was crazy! I couldn’t stop shaking… couldn’t stop my mind from spinning webs around the truth. A reality…  My reality an illusion under stress. The whole of who I am still not yet found. I felt sick and couldn’t keep my stomach calm. I spent 30 minutes on the floor of the toilet just being sick… before whisking myself away, back to bed to disappear. I couldn’t even talk… I was too busy trying to unpack in the moment why it was, that I reacted this way. I have an idea, but don’t want to discuss it.

Yes – definitely broken. Faulty. Damaged goods. The packaging is still shiny, the store attendant didn’t soil me on the outside. It’s the rattling inside that sticks out like a sore thumb…

Maybe only to me… but isn’t that the worst? knowing your broken when really everyone else views you as a shiny thing. No doubt with flaws.. because nothing is perfect in this life. Looking and operating as I have to. But really on the inside.. just wanting to curl up under that rock… never to come out. My inner crab wants that so badly.

My mind flickers to dark places, even though my gratitude for this life outweighs the darkness and weight. How does a Buddhist come to terms with existential issues? Am I not Buddhist enough to have clarity over why my life is of such importance and of rarity? I hate doubting my inner Buddha… but it happens without control sometimes.

Shut myself away. Decide to … just not deal with any of it… or cry it out. That’s possible. But I am still walking, still sitting, still talking… still being and participating in the routines and structures of this life.

Life is so complicated. I just wish to move into a space where I have shoveled all my shit out of the driveway in order to admire it – in it’s present form. Clear…. clean… just as it is, no rubbish or dead leaves rotting into it. An avenue for stopping, and avenue for launching onto the busy road… and avenue and driveway for holding what needs to be held in any moment. My vehicle.

Dead leaves make concrete slippery. We best clear them before the stains sink in deeper…




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This entry was posted on June 26, 2013 by in Abuse, Blogging and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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