A Ship to cross the Sea of Suffering

"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda

30 Days: A letter to…Day#7

Yesterday’s letter to a strange was challenging but very interesting 🙂 Today’s challenge, truly is a challenge. A letter to…an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/crush. Ouch! Who wants to spend time addressing those sore spots from the past?

My heart is sore just thinking about it, but yet again I remind myself that this process of letter writing is a way to address some things that are keeping me from moving forward. An opportunity to cut loose any old hang ons.

Furthering my Human revolution I present you with: A Letter to…the Ex

Hey J

Where the heck do I begin? I’ve been avoiding, having to address the time I spent with you. It’s been 6 years since we were together..

Just the other day you messaged me out of the freaking blue, asking for me to give you D’s number. It’s so complicated. But there is no way in hell that I’d give you his number, let alone bother replying to you. For all I know, that is exactly what you want.

Call me paranoid but I am sure that you are digging for something.

I’ve fallen so many times for your tricks and manipulation.  Luckily for me, I have recently learnt to stand independently and exercise caution more often.  I certainly don’t want you to know what has happened between D and I…

On the whole I hope that you are doing well. I’ve always had well wishes for you, even though it has taken me a long time to shake my perception of what you did to me. What our relationship together, did to me. But like all good things, there is value in the not so positive things too. Even though we had tough times, and ultimately at the end could no longer see eye to eye, or serve any ounce of support for each others well-being. There was still value in the lessons that I learnt through my time with you.

Lessons of which I am still learning, the more I unpack what we went through. Albeit lessons that I am grateful for. It has taken me so long to really look at the frame of mind that I was in when I met you. I don’t really want to have to spell it out, but when I met you I was already in a dark place. I view meeting you, as the staircase to the underworld. My true brush with death…

You have potential and Buddhahood I know this. I must never loose sight. But in my questioning mind I always cast my thoughts towards, how you could have led me so astray? Perhaps we led each other, but my innate wisdom thinks otherwise. I jumped onto the wrong train. And made my first mistake, I assumed that because you were my ‘friend’ and older than me that you would help me get to a safer shore. The truth is the complete opposite happened, and I am truly proud of myself for getting out alive. Choosing to acknowledge that something had to be done. Making the choice to say NO to something that was so wrong.

In the end the decision has served us both so well. You have your own company and work that you are passionate about. I have my own untried path ahead of me. The various streams that make my ocean. A life I am proud and thankful for.

I had the courage and wisdom to let go, and move away – as unprepared as I was. I am glad we didn’t torture each other for any longer.

You were my first long term relationship. I was 15 years old when I met you. 15.

That thought blows my mind.

I can’t believe how intense my thoughts, and perception of the world was back then. Enough so, to put my entire trust and life into the hands of a complete stranger, whom might I add I met via the internet.

I was desperate to get out of my family home. I was desperate to run away from all of the abuse that I had been subject to for years on end. The magic rule ringing in my mind – Like always attracts like. I ran to you, and you invited me into your life as a sanctuary.

But like every other human being on this planet, you too had your own shit to deal with. The baggage…of a life hard lived.

More than me perhaps. And some how I became your caddy. The slave to which you threw the baggage – unmindfully numb to the baggage I was already carrying from leaving home for the first time. From the last 6 years of abuse and neglect. You took nothing more than the opportunity to meld and mold a young person to the shape you wanted. Hesitating not…. to placing more baggage on top.

I’m glad that I only lasted three years.

Your influence was so destructive. I am blessed that we have found separate ways and both are still alive. Thriving in our new environments.

I will not continue to pick and prod at things I hold against you. I will allow you to live your own life, so long as we agree never to need anything of each other – ever again.

Our time is done. And all of your tickets have expired…

All the best for your future,

 

OIM

I think I dodged around that one. Just as I expected.

I cannot bring myself to drag up anything gritty. There is no need to place blame on certain things in life. Instead I’ve chosen to accept what was, and honor what is now. The present and our impending futures.

Memories will always haunt me. But my forgiveness is permanent and deeper than that of fear and anger.

 

 

 

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This entry was posted on June 18, 2013 by in Abuse, Blogging and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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