"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda
Well I’ve stumped myself already! Day two was technically yesterday! But I was already stuck on the topic. An in all honesty the new phone I got on Monday really has preoccupied my wee brain. The excitement here is that I can now include pictorial evidence of this author’s madness.
So without further adieu I am going to stumble through the weeds and jungle that is my current challenge. Letter to...A Crush.
A Letter to... A crush
Hey You, you’re my crush and you don’t even know it. Heck the flurry of things I think about, that concern you make me want you, and hate you at the same time. OK so hate is a very strong word. And I probably would never use that word in reference to you….maybe?.
But the confusion and fogginess of our connection has turned me into one popcorn pot of conflicting emotions. Adoration, Intrigue, Inspiration, Encouragement, A curiosity… shortly followed by embarrassment, insecurities, shame, frustration, anger…. a willingness to create hate so that I can push these crazed feelings aside. Lord knows I am good at pushing those who mean something to me aside so that I don’t bombard them with my intensity. Although this is what I crave the most….I am a conflicted soul at the best of times.
I’ve never really had a crush before. That’s no lie. I mean, there are always people who you meet that leave you thinking about them… But I’ve never really had a true crush.
I wonder if it’s called crush, because often it leads to nothing. Only feelings and hearts left crushed under the weight of wants and needs. Often misguided through lust and the excitement of something new…
I wish this was a healthy crush. I wish that my desire to have you in my life was one of mutual recognition. But I am pretty sure it isn’t. You certainly haven’t alluded to anything remotely more than why we met in the first place. My confusion lies in knowing that it is YOU who made the first move. You opened the door to new possibilities, left it open and now the draft has me catching a chill – Waiting for you to just talk to me again.
Ah boundaries. Lines that cross… into an area of danger.
Dammit. We had something so good, as practitioner and client. I miss that the most… and blame you for severing the professional aspects of it all.
You are my crush – dominating my thoughts like a sandstorm. Now there really isn’t anything left. And as the vulnerable one in this position I’ve had to create a form of dislike towards you in order to preserve my heart. Creating presumptions… that are dangerous and unfounded. A coping and protective mannerism I’ve acquired over the years.
I have had to draw new lines, so that you cannot cross into my boundaries unwanted. A plaguing thought, a series of insecurities caused by your presence in my life. How is it that just the mere presence of you, makes my heart jump into my throat. It makes all of my rationale thought fly out the window…
Unlike my natural self – I have found myself hanging on your every word. Something I am not very fond of. How is it that your claws grip so deep into my soul? I’ve told you so much about me. And at the end feel like I have made a mistake for letting you in so close.
You don’t tick my boxes. But your mind is wrapped into mine…
My health is reliant on your remedies.
But you won’t really talk to me in the capacity that I need. In fact, since we last met you have sent me two text messages and one very short email. None of which held any emotion. Our last meeting was almost two months ago now…
I am thankful this crush is not one of sexual intent. It is a crush of intellect.
One that I must separate myself from, dissect my values and start to begin to unpack what role I want you to have in my life. If Any… I want you in my life, but not like this. If you want friendship with me then there are minimum requirements that you must fulfill in order to quench the thirst. In fact, I grieve for I know that there may be no more hope left in salvaging our connection from what I’ve created in my mind. That’s right….
All of this is something I’ve created.
And although it is you that I crush for…
I have learnt that it is just me, that I need to set free. It is me who needs to be released from the grips of external validation. You play devils advocate unknowingly.
You have been the scapegoat for my own self loathing when it comes to realising I yearn and hang on to people who make me strong. Who intrigue me, pushing me into the deep water unaided by floats. I have reached the surface, acknowledging my crush for you has in fact destroyed me and built me up again. With new values, new lines and boundaries….
The ball is still in your court. I know where I stand.
Unfortunately you were never good at sports…
Thanks for your presence.
Forever grateful in my self realizations…
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Psychologist, Online CBT Therapist, Author