"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda
I am in a strange period of my life. For the last 5 and half years I have been secure and solid in a relationship that I’ve really enjoyed. Sure we have our differences, but I’ve always seen that as strength. Up until now that is.
I am so internally challenged by this predicament that even taking time to think this through, or name it by physically manifesting it into words is all just a bit too unsettling for me. I am human just like the rest of you – Searching for my happiness. But at the end of the day, still just wanting my buddy in life. I don’t want to give up who I thought was my buddy in direct swap for my happiness. I am pretty certain that if I left, I wouldn’t be happy. It’s not a choice I want to really make.
Up until a few months ago, I still felt that she was the one. Heck whom am I kidding! Maybe it’s been about a year, since things were settled enough to look upon and smile. But now when I look over what we have, I just feel sad. I feel angry. I feel that I am being forced to make a decision that ultimately has been imposed upon me.
What’s been imposed upon me you might ask?
Ultimately my happiness requires ‘myself’ to find a solution. I know that.I am acutely aware of my Buddhist self, and the need to push through challenges but this one is stumping me. Encouraging me to think wisely, and to have courage. The thing that irks me here is this. From day one, she has always said – and it echoes in my mind everyday “You will be the one to walk away from this relationship.” What is this supposed to mean? I get it… she thinks I WILL be the one to give up, to move along, and to abandon what we have had…but why? When In my heart from day one I have wanted to make it work. She can just look at me, and tell me that it’s going to be ME to walk away! Is that because she knows something I don’t? Is it because she knows within her, that our time together is only limited? Is it a decision she’s made… to stay with me, until I’ve just had enough? My mind is left to make up stories, because the void is no longer filled with voluntary communication. I make up the ending now….and that is terrifying. My instinct is to put the ball back in her court… and see where it dribbles.
Have you ever been told that before? “you will be the one to walk away from this relationship.” I’m curious. Ultimately unsure of where this internal narrative has come from. I ask myself, why does she insist on sitting back to let me just walk away?
It makes me feel that she knows it won’t last. It makes me feel that I am only being used. It makes me feel angry, that if she isn’t happy or is wasting my time when she knows she wants something different – That I am expected to make the move against my natural will. My mind is confused, is this what I want? Or what she wants? My heart and logical mind point to the latter. But one can never be sure, when faced against someone unwilling to truly talk about how they feel.
But as things go, I am learning that maybe it won’t be smooth sailing from here on, and we must navigate our way out of this treacherous sea. To a place where both of us can stand, independently and decide to go our own ways. A mutual decision – Not left to one unwilling participant.
All relationships are difficult. This being a same sex relationship, definitely points us in between a rock and a hard place, with certainly no legroom. I don’t want kids just yet, and she does. She has always been certain on wanting children, and to a male. She has always wanted more than just the two in a relationship, and has always been focused on co-parenting. And let me assure you, I have accommodated for everything she’s wanted so far, but it’s made no difference.
But you know what? I just haven’t managed to get my mind into having kids yet.
I can’t decide on having kids when I have only just got my feet on the ground.Or more importantly a solid and healthy relationship. Heck I am scared that my childhood abuse is only going to create problems for me as a parent. And the big decider is being in a relationship with someone who you ‘choose’ to parent with. I really feel that with Star and I, we missed the boat on this one. She steams ahead emotions flaring, body clock ticking away…. And left me behind in the beginning.
Because I ran for the hills, and emotionally couldn’t handle thinking about sharing her – with the father. I feel like I was cut out of the equation instantly.
But you know what? It’s not that big of a deal.
I realized that having kids was a decision I want to be part of from the VERY beginning. I don’t want to be the partner that just goes along with it. I take raising children VERY seriously. It’s not going to miraculously just ‘occur’ like divine intervention! So well thought out plans and approaches are the key.
Star one day approached a ‘gay’ male friend of hers in hope that he would say YES to sharing his sperm. She did this without me. And it backfired on her unfortunately. I found out afterwards, and was horrified that she would even consider going to ask a to be ‘donor’ without even asking me first? Or considering that I may want to be part of this type of discussion.
I guess ever since then, I had a sinking feeling that this would never work.
That her and I would need to go our separate ways. I don’t want to be pressured into something I just don’t feel is right and surely not on something so serious as having kids – Especially if my thoughts and support aren’t needed from the start.
Anyway, I’ve started my journey. The layers of our foundation are being peered at from all angles, assessing where we go to from here?
I need to show her exactly how I feel, and what is has been like… but I am scared of it all. I am scared of hurting the one person I love most… by letting her know actually – how hurt I am. We are not bad people, we are lovely people – who are in a pickle.
What a perpetual cycle.
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