"Real happiness is found in the struggles we undergo to realise our goals, in our efforts to move forward." Daisaku Ikeda
I awoke this morning needing to write.
Needing to pen these nagging thoughts and realizations.
The depth of my emotional turmoil yesterday really drew me to understanding the complexities of my current situation. It is mind boggling to try and address one issue, only to find it firmly anchored to the rest of the iceberg…
The only way forward being to shine a light on the weight of it and hope it melts away over time, becoming less significant and heavy upon my heart.
I am in a good place at the moment. Almost all aspects of my life show signs of success, growth and movement to something positive. But it is the past that lingers. I’ve tried to let it go – but it keeps crawling back.
I’m in a long term relationship. 5 and a half years worth. We are good for each other. Holding hearts we have dragged and supported each other through many levels of darkness and light. Two peas but from very different pods.
We find challenge – but joy in our difference until now perhaps?
There is no denying that as individuals we have a lot of our own suffering to work through. We have both experienced a lot of trauma and abuse. But our experiences are foreign to each others comprehension…
It is I who has constantly sped ahead to move through my healing, understanding in order to be a better person. Still working on forgiveness.
In fact is was moving to this city just over a year ago, a city in which the first 11 years of my life played out – That gave me no choice in unraveling the childhood and life I’ve lived so far.
Returning to the source induces reminiscent memories and realizations from years past…
This isn’t the problem, but it is interlinked.
Last year the sexual abuse I encountered throughout my childhood years 9-16 resurfaced. I made a conscious choice this time, to start working through it. I became SO sick of suppressing the impact it has had on me. I chose specialized counseling. And I am supported in this decision.
Something to celebrate? Perhaps this is something to be commended for? But what happened next in my year totally threw me under the bus..
Creating a tsunami of repercussion and suffering between me and the person I cherish the most.
It is no secret that throughout this relationship I’ve been / We have both been able to freely accept and explore our Gender and Sexual identities. But it is through this freedom that I realized that my gender and sexual identity has suffered because of the sexual abuse, and it has a huge impact on the relationships and intimacy of people I connect with.
I had made a decision to work through it well aware that it may make things tense between us sexually. But it got worse because of another person’s actions.
D a ‘friend’ who practically looked after me throughout my darkest days prior to meeting ‘W’ sexually took advantage of me last July 2012. I don’t want to get into details about this event. He violated my trust and friendship, leaving me powerless to do anything paralyzed in shock and fear of what would follow.
Writing about this makes me feel sick. I try not to focus on the physical symptoms of these topics…
It is the shadow and cloud that hangs over my broken heart and mind…. A new one to compliment the old stain.
As a practicing Buddhist I want to forgive and find value in this – But all I feel is anger and rage over how it has rippled into my relationship. I feel tremendous guilt, sadness and depression when I realize the effect it has had upon W in her own life and healing – To how we now don’t interact with each other intimately on a level that satisfies either party…
The can of worms that only ate my heart as I held onto it, is now eating into the heart and soul of the one person in this world I am most thankful for.
The karma and suffering I carry is now I feel, destroying the one thing I hold onto for strength. I feel like pushing her away even though my heart is screaming for forgiveness and to turn back the clock of action and time…
I wish these black spots would go away so I was free to love myself unconditionally. In turn free to lend my heart and soul to those who want it, and without reservation.
It is something I’ve always feared. This damaged heart and mind walking away from those I love most because of the transferable pain.
As a humanity I fear that all we have in common is pain and suffering.
OK, I can get carried away with this darkness, these questions…
But there is also hope. It just doesn’t make sense yet. I know that forgiveness and gratitude are out there somewhere. But for now I just wish I could rebuild the holes that were once a full heart between us.
Will the spark ever return, or are we destined to go our own ways?
I honor the fact that she has a right to intimacy and sexual fulfillment but mine is just not enough.. The memories, and triggers plague us like the blackest, darkest night.
Why do I feel like I always loose from the hands of others….
I know I haven’t lost completely yet! But I am afraid of which path to walk down next…. and which jungle will catch me.
And at the end of this…. I must revel in the fact that I have my life. Even though hard to comprehend, I have my life and that is the greatest treasure to be reminded of.
“Life is the foremost of all treasures. It is expounded that even the treasures of the entire major world system cannot equal the value of one’s body and life. Even the treasures that fill the major world system are no substitute for life”. (WND-1, 1125)
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Psychologist, Online CBT Therapist, Author